Monday, September 30, 2013

Memories

Today, in our girl’s public speaking class, which we lovingly call Women’s Rebellion, I had to give a speech. About myself. I talked about something that I hadn’t really thought of in a long time before I sat down to write the speech. I really liked remembering it, so I think I’ll blog about it. Here we goooo…

"So, as most of you know, my name is Taylor. And writing this speech was really hard for me. I don’t feel like I’m very good with words, at least not writing them, and I don’t really like to get up and talk about myself. I knew that I could get up, and tell you that I was born on March 22, 1995…that my parents are Bryan and Aimee Hockman, and that my little brother’s name is Gabe.

These are all true, and very important facts about me. But I’d rather talk about a memory that’s been weighing on my heart and mind the last couple of days. It’s a lesson that I learned a few years ago that means a lot to me, and I’d like to share it, so I’ll start with the back story…

When I was in 5th grade, I went to a Barlow Girl concert. I was completely awestruck by how cool I thought they were. I was especially enthralled by the drummer. I decided then and there that someday, I would be a drummer. The only problem with that was that, in Bowling Green, you start band in the 6th grade. And I went to a private elementary school that was too small to have a band.

I wasn’t ready to let go of my dream of becoming a drummer, though, so when middle school came around, I asked to be put in band. One the first day of school, when I came into band class, my band director told me I was going to be playing the bells. I hated it. A lot. I had to watch all the other people in my section get to play the drums, while I was stuck on this thing I didn’t want to play. So I basically refused to learn or even try to play it.

Over time, band became just a class that I had to go to, and it was my least favorite part of my day.

I continued to do band all through middle school, fully intending to quit when I got to high school. But, for whatever reason, when the day of marching band sign ups came, I found myself checking the little “Yes” box.

When I showed up for the first day of band camp, I found out that I was in something called front ensemble and, horror of horrors, I would be playing the bells. Needless to say, I was bitter, and starting to doubt that my dream of ever becoming a drummer would ever come true. And, since I’d basically refused to play or even try to learn in middle school, I was terrible. But, over time, as I learned more, I began to fall in love with melodic percussion.

When sophomore year rolled around, I got put on bells again. But, this time I wasn’t so upset about it. But, I still wasn’t very good. When it came time for indoor drumline, I was the only one from my high school’s percussion section that signed up to do front ensemble. Eventually, after the process of try outs was over, I was told I’d be playing marimba. I don’t really know how to compare marimba and bells, but I’ll tell you this: it was hard, and I thought I was in way over my head.

I remember going home after practice mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted. I was trying so hard that it was draining me. I remember crying to my mom about how bad my hands hurt, and how overwhelmed I felt by all of it. I remember so clearly the day she sat me down and said “Listen to me. You can do it. You just have to take it one note at a time.” At the time, I thought it was a flippant suggestion, so I just brushed it off. But I never told her how many times her words came back to me. Not only over the course of that season, but the rest of my life as well.

I eventually learned every single note of that show, and I tried my best to play it well. That season, and all the music seasons that followed, taught me something about myself that I’ve tried to remember whenever my life has been difficult, or I’ve gone through trying times.

What I learned was this: I don’t like to give up. I’m a fighter. When I’m faced with a challenge, or even when I just feel like someone doesn’t believe in me, I’m immediately obsessed with proving to myself, and everyone else, that I can do whatever it is. That I can conquer whatever is set before me.

That revelation has been incredibly helpful over the last 3 years, through the trials of growing up, moving out, leaving all my friends and family, and coming to AIM. It’s super comforting, knowing that I can overcome anything that’s hard for me, as long as I take it one step—one note—at a time."

Friday, September 20, 2013

God Is Still Good.

God is always telling me things. Even when I'm not listening, or I don't want to hear what He's saying, He's still saying things. Today, He said something to me through a song...


This song originally caught my attention because of it's title. Being "uncomfortable" and living outside of my comfort zone was a big part of my decision in coming to AIM. I've lived a relatively comfortable life, and I thought maybe it was about time to experience some discomfort. Anyway, the songs title caught my attention, then I listened to the words. This song isn't all that much about what I thought it would be about, but several of the lyrics caught my attention, and I kinda would like to talk about why...

I'm gonna love like you've never seen. OH MY GOODNESS. God shows me sooo much love. Like, every day. And it literally blows my mind how much He loves me. I know that my human mind can't comprehend it all, but what I do understand...whoa. It's crazy to me that I don't just know it (although just the knowledge would be incredible)...I can see it. God shows me, and has especially opened my eyes lately, to all the blessings that he's given me, and how they've all been because He loves me. My generous supporters, my family and friends back home, my new family here? All blessings from God because He loves me and I'm His daughter.

You are gonna live like you used to dream. This is your new song. Sometimes, my life here feels like a dream. I know that's cheesy, but I don't really care. Being in AIM and all that comes with that is something that I dreamed about, hoped for, and prayed about for a long time. Finally being here seriously feels surreal sometimes, even 6 weeks in. God has blessed me with a life that I dreamed about, and it's just so awesome to me.

You don't have to be afraid. Even if you make mistakes, you know that I'll remain. I'm a messed up person. We all are. I've got problems that I can't fix on my own. I have to have God's help, and letting Him help me every day is a struggle. But even when I slip up...when I don't let Him help me, when I try to do things on my own. God is always there. He's waiting to catch me so I don't fall face first onto the ground. He's constantly there, even when I've screwed things up so bad I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have to be afraid of God leaving me, because He'll forever be with me.

If you seek you'll find me every time. This is something that always has been, and still is, hard for me to grasp. Seeking God doesn't really seem to be a problem. I pray, and I try to do it as consistently as I can. But believing that I'll find him every time? That's not something I've ever really believed. For most of my life, when I've prayed, I've thought I was praying to a God who was listening, yes, but I couldn't ever pinpoint how He was there. How He had His hands in situations. But, since I've been here, I feel like God has opened my eyes, and I can so much more clearly see Him in certain situations.

This last little lyric especially reminds me of this last week I've had. Of all my weeks at AIM, this one has without a doubt been the hardest. I had my first little bit of roommate drama, homesickness, struggling with my own battles with my mental health and anxiety, and trying to take good care of myself. All while trying to stay on top of my schoolwork. And it's been hard. Incredibly so. In my weakest moments, I've even gone so far as to wonder why in the world I'm putting myself through all of this stress and heartache for "some program"...then I remember that Satan tries to target those who's faith is being tested. So, I decided that I would just start seeking God when I get stressed, or feel overwhelmed and Satan starts trying to eat at me. It's amazing to me that, when I feel like there's nothing but negativity, simply asking God to show me what He's up to in a certain situation can basically rock my world.

Because of that one question, being uttered time and time again, especially this last week, God has shown me through several negative situations, and has helped make them into positive outcomes. Yay! Seeking God when things are hard isn't easy. I tend to want to run ahead and take care of things myself. But God has a plan, and He's got perfect timing. Those are both things I don't usually have.

Just remembering that I can't add anything by worrying, and I seeking God with my whole heart usually gets me the answer.

Even in hard times, God is still good. Even in hard times, God is still good. Even in hard times, God is still good... (My mantra)

Monday, September 2, 2013

So it's been awhile...

Oh my goodness. It has been sooo long since I blogged! Well, it hasn't really been that long, but it feels like it's been about a year. Time moves fast and slow here all at once, which leaves me equally surprised and relieved every time Friday comes. But I wouldn't trade any of the experiences and friendships I'm making...no matter how much sleep someone was offering me! ;)

This experience has already been a crazy ride! It's been a blast and totally challenging all at once, and I wouldn't change anything about it. I feel like a better version of myself here...more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have before. But, just so I don't get all sappy, I'm gonna move on.

Classes have been nuts. Every morning, I go into my classes and in the afternoon I leave with my mind completely blown. My favorite class is most definitely my Life of Christ class. While all of my classes are interesting, and I like them, I especially like this one.  It's taught by Pat, who is the assistant director of AIM. He's one of the most incredible Bible teachers I've ever had. I always feel like Jesus is in the room with us whenever he teaches. It's crazy. I feel myself growing so much as a Christian.

I've made so many new friends since I got here. Friends that I feel like I'll be friends with for the rest of my life. And I'm so glad. I love all my friends in AYG and stuff, but the relationships I'm building here are so incredible. I'm just so so so happy. It's the best feeling.

Ok, this has been really short and all over the place, but I don't really care. I've got to pack for our first trip, which we leave for tomorrow! It's a retreat with just our class. Mountain View here I come! ;)